Here I am

I haven't been on in a while, I know. I just don't have the time. I don't really know what I want to talk about so I'll just start.

I'm losing my very best friend that I've had since 7th grade. Friend since kindergarten. I feel as if I am going to die. I hate it. I feel like I have absolutely no one and I am all alone. It's so ...lonely. I don't like partying, dancing, peppy people, and faking. Which is what I have to do when I'm around her, because I can't just hang out with her anymore. I have to hang out with her friends at a club or the movies or something. Her friends are okay, but they aren't mine and she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand not everybody likes doing those things and that I'd much rather watch a free movie at home curled up under a nice blanket with buttery popcorn than go to an expensive theater.
I am so alone. Maybe not, I have my dear boyfriend, but that just makes it worse. I can't depend on him all the time! He goes off to college next year and I have two years of me and..who? I'm beginning to get closer to this one girl. She's on drugs, yeah. So are alot of my boyfriend's friends( not him!). And well I'm jealous. I'll do anything for just a little numbness to make it through school. It's fucking torture. I used to have tons of friends and now it seems nobody likes me. And I'm so.

My depression has gotten so bad I can't stand it. All I want to do is mope all day. I don't get the point of anything anymore. I know it'll only get worse if I don't do anything about it, but I don't have the strength to do anything. But I don't want to be so very alone. It's kind of hard to go "shopping" for friends when you can't smile. It's hard to smile when you are constantly fighting. I'm fighting against that self hate. I don't want to go that low again. i can be as sad as ever, I just don't want to hate myself.
Thanks to those who actually read this stuff. It means a lot.

there's something in my eye. that's it.

So this week is the dreaded revival at church. I do not like it. It gets way too emotional. This is what I get for belonging to a southern baptist church in the bible belt. Ehh, I don't know what I am but it is NOT southern baptist. A preacher does not have to yell. Gays (I believe) do not burn in hell. And there is something between worshiping the devil and doing jumping jacks for God. I mean come on. I guess not all of it angered me. Some of the stuff that was said was okay. But what really got me was the music. That and the look of all the people being "touched by God". I believe he's there in some form so I suppose it's true I felt Him tonight. But as I have been doing for so long now, I ignored it. Because if I take anything religious seriously I start to cry. I don't know; it's an in the moment thing. Every time something that applies to me is said I feel like it was said for me and so I simply MUST cry. So I don't listen. I pick at my nails, make my meal plans for the week, and just zone in and out. But I don't touch anywhere around my eyes, that might hint at me crying. At the end everyone went to the alter to pray. I went to so I wouldn't feel weird standing alone. But when I got there I knelt beside the weeping guest preacher and my step grandfather (affectionately called Grandaddy). He put his arm around me while everyone was praying. I lost it. I cried. I felt stupid and ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me. He never shows emotion. He loves his grandchildren, I know. But I'm the only step grandchild so I do get treated a little differently. This gesture really surprised me. I left as soon as we were dismissed I drove off in a hurry to my "secret place". Just a dead end cemetery on a dirt road. I don't know why I went. I think I wanted to let out a scream. Well, I felt silly there. So I wept (just a little) and went home. Ohh, then I binged and uhh, purged. Now I'm just kind of waiting for a mental breakdown of some sort. Whatever, I get to do it all again tomorrow! (whew that sarcasm was harsh. I guess it isn't actually that bad.)

music is my life, no seriously.

Well today was ehh. Any chance I could I listened to my extensive eating disorder playlist. Therefore I had a terrible ED day. I also had a Spanish and Adv. Geometry test. I feel good about the Spanish (I studied..alot!) as for the geo? I don't think I care. Band cheered me up, but of course it exhausted me. Then I went to tutor a couple of kids. I don't think I'll ever get one of them to pass. It's so stressful!!! I feel like it's my fault if she makes horrible grades. UGHH. So as soon as I got home I made a tuna and avocado sandwich. YUM!:D Then discovered some new music. Lucas Carpenter, The Acadamy is...,Letters and Lights, and I got a Dubstep album. $9.99 for 99 songs! Whew! All the funny remixes and upbeat rhythms have shot my mood up A LOT. I get to hang out with Alex all day tomorrow. My parents will be home...but we can be sneaky! Tomorrow night my little itty bitty community (it's not big enough to be called a town) is having a tractor pull. I go every year and he's never been so we're going, but we'll probably just make fun of all the really country hicks most of the time.:D (I don't know why the text is different:/ I couldn't fix it.)

The (REAL) best feeling(s)

That last post was insanely negative and hopeless. I'm sorry. I won't delete it....but I'll try to make up for it. I was going to wait until I was relatively happy to write this but it appears I'm in a slump. So I'm thinking this will end by making me happy or just being a sucky post.

The best feeling my in fact be:

• settling into a perfectly made bed
• laughing until it hurts with someone you love
• watching your favorite movie (even though you've seen it countless times)
• competing perfectly at a competition. (or game, whatever you do.)
• that first not so guilty bite of a Reese's cup
• completing that perfect piece of art, music, poem, story (again, whatever you do)
• realizing you have the Perfect outfit on
• perfect hair days
• seeing your family...and realizing you're actually glad
• that feeling after a hard workout
• anticipation for...well anything exciting
• completing a long good book
• knowing you have "people"
• singing at the top of your lungs
• holding a baby, lol
• smiling for no reason
• answering an unexpected phone call
  
  I could go on. That was fun. I should definitely do it more often. :) Goodbye. I was just called ;D

The best feeling...

is that of a blade sliding down your thigh. Or perhaps it is when you watch the white sliver fill with blood. Whatever.

me gusta

Hello again. I haven't posted in a while because well, I guess I'm lazy. :P I can not say nothing has been going on. It has. I started school Monday, 10th grade. Just as exciting as it sounds. Nahh, I like it. I love my teachers and I think this semester will be a good one. On the other hand it's way too hot to have band practice and we are falling behind! Our first game is in ten days! Whoo! :DD Then band season has finally begun. No one will ever understand how happy that makes me. I love those people and all the experiences that go with them. Oh, and I guess trumpet is cool, too. OOH! Something awkward thing happened today.
My boyfriend tells me EVERYTHING whether I really need/want to know or not. Well he confessed to (in the past) looking up porn (alot). Which whatever, he's 17. Why wouldn't he? But he did it in such a way I thought he meant he looked at Gay porn. Uhh, there is a HUGE undeniable difference between the two. I spent 10 minutes speechless and doubting his sexuality.
Don't get me wrong straight guys can look at gay porn. I won't judge, but it IS weird hearing it from your boyfriend.

Oops, I feel down again.

So Alex went on a church trip for about a week. And that was the week I was really sick. So basically I was completely alone for nine days. I guess it kind of wreaked havoc on my mental state. At first I was okay. Feeling sorry for myself of course, but whatever. Nothing new. But by the end of the week all those eating disorder thoughts came up. Now I'm obviously used to that, but they were stronger. I guess I didn't have any reason to ignore them. So they grew. Now I'm undeniably in a rut. Which is what I've secretly been yearning for. This time though I don't think it'll just go away on it's own (like it magically did last time).
Ohh, and when Alex came back he gave me this speech on how he loves Christ more than me and how he really wants me to have a stronger relationship with Him because He loves me unconditionally and blah... I just don't know about all that. I've been thinking and trying to decide what I believe in. I finally ditched what I was raised to believe. I'm thinking on my own. Anyways, alot of people act like this after church trips. It only lasts awhile. I've seen it before. Heck, I've done it before. I hope it wears off soon though. Before it puts a strain on our relationship. Because I realized when he was gone that I NEED him. Which is terrifying and makes me feel oh so vulnerable. But I don't know what I can do about that one. Well, I've got to get some sleep. Stay beautiful and goodnight.

Bad Night

I feel fat. No cutting allowed. Too sick to binge and purge. So I color. Whoo! Ugh! I'm so fucking beyond pissed. But I know you don't want a rant. So ill go. But know that I am very unhappy. Very alone. And very fat. Coincidence? I think not.

I am diseased.

So I went to the doctor today for sore throat. I have mono. FML. Seriously, I'm pissed. I don't know whom at really. The world? By the time I'm over it ill be in school. UGH. What about current river? What about band camp? My friends!?!?! My boyfriend!?!? Well I figure if he doesn't already have it he won't get it so....I'm so selfish. Also, my moms in the hospital again so I'm sick and lonely. It's whatever. Though my throat KILLS. I thought at first it was because I scratched my throat puking, but no. Life can't be that good. I can't throw up, obviously. But one of the symptoms is loss of appetite so I'm hoping not eating will suffice from the occasional binge.
I don't really like putting pictures of me on here but who really reads this, right? This is my wonderful guy and lucky me over to the left.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

So I am just awful. I suck, it is official. I'm fairly sure I'm around 149 now. UGH! I haven't thrown up in a while though. For three days and nights this week I will be gone to Project Acts. It's a Christian community helping thing. I know I won't be able to overeat there and maybe if I am still strong enough I can under eat:D Then with the work I'll be doing: Lose weight! I sure hope so. I really am getting disgusting. I loathe looking in the mirror at my stomach. I HATE tight clothes. Grr. I really don't want people to notice I'm getting lazy.:/ I can't stand when people look at me. I even feel uncomfortable when I'm with my boyfriend and my shirt is off. I used to be fine with it. Blech. I'm nasty.
I really need to be in control again. I've got to stop lying to myself. It really is ridiculous. Self loathing is at an all time high because of my inability to shut my mouth. It's all so frustrating.

I did it, because I wanna be like her.

Guess where I just was?! I'll give you a hint! I can taste vomit. My bathroom smells and I can't stop shaking. Yeah, so much for stopping. I can't help it! Well, maybe I could. I just want to be thin. I want to sit up and not see those disgusting jelly rolls. I want to not worry about muffin tops for once. Once I'm 120, I won't have to worry about these things. I won't have to worry about anything! Except maybe annoying people telling me I'm too thin. I just want to restrict. That's all I've EVER wanted. But then this whole "you can eat alot AND be thin if you throw up" lie came into the picture and has distracted me for an entire year. I'm sick of it. I just want to have a perfect body. More than that really. More of a perfect mind set. I yearn for that empty feeling. (Different from that empty acidic feeling.) That feeling that anything is possible. UGH. My parents, my boyfriend and I are going on a trip to the river. Which means bikini for four days straight AND sitting in a tube. Me in a bikini? Okay. Me sitting? Okay. Put them together and I'm a fat train wreck. I have 'bout a month to get my act together. But who says I can? I've been saying this for far too long. Well I'm getting way too shaky to type. Correcting errors is annoying, but the only thing that is making this legible. Byyyyee!

It's been a year now.

Well, my five whole followers. Did you miss me? Did you notice I was gone? I didn't. But well, let's play catch up. In this past year. I have found happiness. Love. I have found the need to stop bulimia, but not the will power. Yes, I did end up losing the power to restrict. My bulimia got bad. I got scared. Blah blah, teenage ramblings. I love my therapist, he's inspired my to become a phsycologist. I have an amazing boyfriend. He's everything to me. Whoa. I sound icky and teenage and love struck. I dont like it. But I feel it. So i guess it's worth mentioning. He knows of course. Everything. It hurts him, I know it does.
So sounds like everything is dandy. It's not. Don't ask why. I don't know. I guess I'll never really know how fortunate I am.
I think I have matured alot sonce I've posted here. I gained a new outlook on life, I guess. Though I don't know how to express it. So I plan on starting to blog again. Maybe you'll get me. Most likely, you won't.
I wonder how long I can go without binging and purging this time?