I am diseased.

So I went to the doctor today for sore throat. I have mono. FML. Seriously, I'm pissed. I don't know whom at really. The world? By the time I'm over it ill be in school. UGH. What about current river? What about band camp? My friends!?!?! My boyfriend!?!? Well I figure if he doesn't already have it he won't get it so....I'm so selfish. Also, my moms in the hospital again so I'm sick and lonely. It's whatever. Though my throat KILLS. I thought at first it was because I scratched my throat puking, but no. Life can't be that good. I can't throw up, obviously. But one of the symptoms is loss of appetite so I'm hoping not eating will suffice from the occasional binge.
I don't really like putting pictures of me on here but who really reads this, right? This is my wonderful guy and lucky me over to the left.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

So I am just awful. I suck, it is official. I'm fairly sure I'm around 149 now. UGH! I haven't thrown up in a while though. For three days and nights this week I will be gone to Project Acts. It's a Christian community helping thing. I know I won't be able to overeat there and maybe if I am still strong enough I can under eat:D Then with the work I'll be doing: Lose weight! I sure hope so. I really am getting disgusting. I loathe looking in the mirror at my stomach. I HATE tight clothes. Grr. I really don't want people to notice I'm getting lazy.:/ I can't stand when people look at me. I even feel uncomfortable when I'm with my boyfriend and my shirt is off. I used to be fine with it. Blech. I'm nasty.
I really need to be in control again. I've got to stop lying to myself. It really is ridiculous. Self loathing is at an all time high because of my inability to shut my mouth. It's all so frustrating.

I did it, because I wanna be like her.

Guess where I just was?! I'll give you a hint! I can taste vomit. My bathroom smells and I can't stop shaking. Yeah, so much for stopping. I can't help it! Well, maybe I could. I just want to be thin. I want to sit up and not see those disgusting jelly rolls. I want to not worry about muffin tops for once. Once I'm 120, I won't have to worry about these things. I won't have to worry about anything! Except maybe annoying people telling me I'm too thin. I just want to restrict. That's all I've EVER wanted. But then this whole "you can eat alot AND be thin if you throw up" lie came into the picture and has distracted me for an entire year. I'm sick of it. I just want to have a perfect body. More than that really. More of a perfect mind set. I yearn for that empty feeling. (Different from that empty acidic feeling.) That feeling that anything is possible. UGH. My parents, my boyfriend and I are going on a trip to the river. Which means bikini for four days straight AND sitting in a tube. Me in a bikini? Okay. Me sitting? Okay. Put them together and I'm a fat train wreck. I have 'bout a month to get my act together. But who says I can? I've been saying this for far too long. Well I'm getting way too shaky to type. Correcting errors is annoying, but the only thing that is making this legible. Byyyyee!

It's been a year now.

Well, my five whole followers. Did you miss me? Did you notice I was gone? I didn't. But well, let's play catch up. In this past year. I have found happiness. Love. I have found the need to stop bulimia, but not the will power. Yes, I did end up losing the power to restrict. My bulimia got bad. I got scared. Blah blah, teenage ramblings. I love my therapist, he's inspired my to become a phsycologist. I have an amazing boyfriend. He's everything to me. Whoa. I sound icky and teenage and love struck. I dont like it. But I feel it. So i guess it's worth mentioning. He knows of course. Everything. It hurts him, I know it does.
So sounds like everything is dandy. It's not. Don't ask why. I don't know. I guess I'll never really know how fortunate I am.
I think I have matured alot sonce I've posted here. I gained a new outlook on life, I guess. Though I don't know how to express it. So I plan on starting to blog again. Maybe you'll get me. Most likely, you won't.
I wonder how long I can go without binging and purging this time?