So Alex went on a church trip for about a week. And that was the week I was really sick. So basically I was completely alone for nine days. I guess it kind of wreaked havoc on my mental state. At first I was okay. Feeling sorry for myself of course, but whatever. Nothing new. But by the end of the week all those eating disorder thoughts came up. Now I'm obviously used to that, but they were stronger. I guess I didn't have any reason to ignore them. So they grew. Now I'm undeniably in a rut. Which is what I've secretly been yearning for. This time though I don't think it'll just go away on it's own (like it magically did last time).
Ohh, and when Alex came back he gave me this speech on how he loves Christ more than me and how he really wants me to have a stronger relationship with Him because He loves me unconditionally and blah... I just don't know about all that. I've been thinking and trying to decide what I believe in. I finally ditched what I was raised to believe. I'm thinking on my own. Anyways, alot of people act like this after church trips. It only lasts awhile. I've seen it before. Heck, I've done it before. I hope it wears off soon though. Before it puts a strain on our relationship. Because I realized when he was gone that I NEED him. Which is terrifying and makes me feel oh so vulnerable. But I don't know what I can do about that one. Well, I've got to get some sleep. Stay beautiful and goodnight.
