I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

So I am just awful. I suck, it is official. I'm fairly sure I'm around 149 now. UGH! I haven't thrown up in a while though. For three days and nights this week I will be gone to Project Acts. It's a Christian community helping thing. I know I won't be able to overeat there and maybe if I am still strong enough I can under eat:D Then with the work I'll be doing: Lose weight! I sure hope so. I really am getting disgusting. I loathe looking in the mirror at my stomach. I HATE tight clothes. Grr. I really don't want people to notice I'm getting lazy.:/ I can't stand when people look at me. I even feel uncomfortable when I'm with my boyfriend and my shirt is off. I used to be fine with it. Blech. I'm nasty.
I really need to be in control again. I've got to stop lying to myself. It really is ridiculous. Self loathing is at an all time high because of my inability to shut my mouth. It's all so frustrating.