There are many things I want to bring up today. I've been meaning to write this for a while but when I get the oppotunity to use the computer privately, I'm never in a 'creative mood' so I try and it turns out suckish. Ahh well I'll try again. So I guess I'll ust sit here listening to thought provoking music until something 'pops up' in my crazy crazy head.
Oh heres something, my youth leaders at church have really been bugging me to start praying again. They say it brings so much peace to them. Sometimes I want to. But heres what happens:
I start, unsure of what to do or say.
As usual all I can think about is food, my weight, and calories. So automatically I pray to lose weight. But as soon as it crosses my mind it seems evil and I take it back. I try to hide it from God. Then I try to say sorry. But I know you can't ask to be forgiven unil you promise not to do it again. Or at least forgive yourself. I'll never forgive myself. I WANTED this. Oh my God, I didnt know ANYTHING. I thought I could control it...but no, of course you can't. I'm afraid to make promises, to anyone really. I know I'll just end up breaking them. So here arises a question: whats worse? Making a promise, only to break it. Or to fear making promises? It bothers me.
Anyway back to the hiding it part. Its MY burden, I'll carry it until....until when? Will this craziness ever stop? Surely it cant go on, can it? Will I be one of those mothers secretly weighing their children. Binging in the middle of the night. Not ever eating in front of people. Surely not... I cant stop. Not now anyway. I like to tell myself that I could. But why lie? I've lied to myself for far too long. That's how I got here in the first place.
BAM another topic (sorry I'm on a roll.) Here ya go my biggest fears. In no particular order.
-Not having control (It horrifies me EVERYDAY.)
-Making promises. I aviod them.
- My favorite person in the entire world, my cousin, friend, everything to me, to develope an eating disorder. I worry, constantly. She's so young.
BOOM. Death. I was in the car with my dad (he speeds alot) and I was kinda scared. (I was in a car wreck a few years ago, kind of tramatic.) Then I had an epiphany moment. Why was I scared? Of death? No, I couldn't really care less. That thought in itself scared me. Was I afraid of pain? I've already felt the worse pain. Why did I not care if I died? I sort of wanted to crash, just to see what would happen. Would I die? Would people worry? Would I refuse to eat hospital food for long a period of time? It gave me a kind of high. Knowing I was above those people that cared about living. That I could do anything I wanted and not fear one of the "worst things that could happen" to me. I liked it.
BADA-BING. Have you ever just been overwhemled by beauty? I was riding in the back of a truck just watching the trees go by. All the sudden I could see all the hundreds of shades of green whirl past me. The sky seemed full of life. A pond seemes as vast a an ocean. (I'm dilusional, right?) It all seemed so.... pretty, for lack of a better word. I just waned to melt into the scenary. To become one of the most beautiful things in the world. Just to dissolve into this beautiful world, filled with lovely things. I want to be lovely too. Why must I be left here with this uglyness? I want to fly! I want to be free! I want to be beautiful.
Well those few (VERY FEW) people who do follow me. Thanks for puttin up with all this craziness.
