Vlada<3

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Here I am


I haven't been on in a while, I know. I just don't have the time. I don't really know what I want to talk about so I'll just start.
I'm losing my very best friend that I've had since 7th grade. Friend since kindergarten. I feel as if I am going to die. I hate it. I feel like I have absolutely no one and I am all alone. It's so ...lonely. I don't like partying, dancing, peppy people, and faking. Which is what I have to do when I'm around her, because I can't just hang out with her anymore. I have to hang out with her friends at a club or the movies or something. Her friends are okay, but they aren't mine and she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand not everybody likes doing those things and that I'd much rather watch a free movie at home curled up under a nice blanket with buttery popcorn than go to an expensive theater.
I am so alone. Maybe not, I have my dear boyfriend, but that just makes it worse. I can't depend on him all the time! He goes off to college next year and I have two years of me and..who? I'm beginning to get closer to this one girl. She's on drugs, yeah. So are alot of my boyfriend's friends( not him!). And well I'm jealous. I'll do anything for just a little numbness to make it through school. It's fucking torture. I used to have tons of friends and now it seems nobody likes me. And I'm so.
My depression has gotten so bad I can't stand it. All I want to do is mope all day. I don't get the point of anything anymore. I know it'll only get worse if I don't do anything about it, but I don't have the strength to do anything. But I don't want to be so very alone. It's kind of hard to go "shopping" for friends when you can't smile. It's hard to smile when you are constantly fighting. I'm fighting against that self hate. I don't want to go that low again. i can be as sad as ever, I just don't want to hate myself.
Thanks to those who actually read this stuff. It means a lot.

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