So this week is the dreaded revival at church. I do not like it. It gets way too emotional. This is what I get for belonging to a southern baptist church in the bible belt. Ehh, I don't know what I am but it is NOT southern baptist. A preacher does not have to yell. Gays (I believe) do not burn in hell. And there is something between worshiping the devil and doing jumping jacks for God. I mean come on. I guess not all of it angered me. Some of the stuff that was said was okay. But what really got me was the music. That and the look of all the people being "touched by God". I believe he's there in some form so I suppose it's true I felt Him tonight. But as I have been doing for so long now, I ignored it. Because if I take anything religious seriously I start to cry. I don't know; it's an in the moment thing. Every time something that applies to me is said I feel like it was said for me and so I simply MUST cry. So I don't listen. I pick at my nails, make my meal plans for the week, and just zone in and out. But I don't touch anywhere around my eyes, that might hint at me crying. At the end everyone went to the alter to pray. I went to so I wouldn't feel weird standing alone. But when I got there I knelt beside the weeping guest preacher and my step grandfather (affectionately called Grandaddy). He put his arm around me while everyone was praying. I lost it. I cried. I felt stupid and ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me. He never shows emotion. He loves his grandchildren, I know. But I'm the only step grandchild so I do get treated a little differently. This gesture really surprised me. I left as soon as we were dismissed I drove off in a hurry to my "secret place". Just a dead end cemetery on a dirt road. I don't know why I went. I think I wanted to let out a scream. Well, I felt silly there. So I wept (just a little) and went home. Ohh, then I binged and uhh, purged. Now I'm just kind of waiting for a mental breakdown of some sort. Whatever, I get to do it all again tomorrow! (whew that sarcasm was harsh. I guess it isn't actually that bad.)
Vlada<3
Sunday, August 14, 2011
there's something in my eye. that's it.
So this week is the dreaded revival at church. I do not like it. It gets way too emotional. This is what I get for belonging to a southern baptist church in the bible belt. Ehh, I don't know what I am but it is NOT southern baptist. A preacher does not have to yell. Gays (I believe) do not burn in hell. And there is something between worshiping the devil and doing jumping jacks for God. I mean come on. I guess not all of it angered me. Some of the stuff that was said was okay. But what really got me was the music. That and the look of all the people being "touched by God". I believe he's there in some form so I suppose it's true I felt Him tonight. But as I have been doing for so long now, I ignored it. Because if I take anything religious seriously I start to cry. I don't know; it's an in the moment thing. Every time something that applies to me is said I feel like it was said for me and so I simply MUST cry. So I don't listen. I pick at my nails, make my meal plans for the week, and just zone in and out. But I don't touch anywhere around my eyes, that might hint at me crying. At the end everyone went to the alter to pray. I went to so I wouldn't feel weird standing alone. But when I got there I knelt beside the weeping guest preacher and my step grandfather (affectionately called Grandaddy). He put his arm around me while everyone was praying. I lost it. I cried. I felt stupid and ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me. He never shows emotion. He loves his grandchildren, I know. But I'm the only step grandchild so I do get treated a little differently. This gesture really surprised me. I left as soon as we were dismissed I drove off in a hurry to my "secret place". Just a dead end cemetery on a dirt road. I don't know why I went. I think I wanted to let out a scream. Well, I felt silly there. So I wept (just a little) and went home. Ohh, then I binged and uhh, purged. Now I'm just kind of waiting for a mental breakdown of some sort. Whatever, I get to do it all again tomorrow! (whew that sarcasm was harsh. I guess it isn't actually that bad.)
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I don't know how you feel, since I've only just started going to church (as in for one week so far) and all that, but I understand about the crying part!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to let your guard down in public and when it's involuntary it's even worse.
When everyone was singing and being 'touched by god' at my church I just stood there because I didn't want to be in the moment and get all emotional.
I hope I'm making sense.
I guess I don't really have a point, maybe look for a different church that suits you better??
xox