FAT FUCKING COW

Okay, i have got to stop. Im mother fucking huge. All this fat is just sitting here on my body. Doing nothing but adding to my fat ugly self. I know how to fix it but i simply refuse to do the work. Im fat, lazy, good for nothing, and undeserving. Im fucking huge. What happened? Why cant i just say no? Its going to change NOW. I ate some sweets today. Threw it up. If im going to have to start doing that again i will. No matter what i promised my boyfriend. He doesnt understand. I look in the mirror and i want to cry. I want to just cut all the fat clinging to my body. My fat friend is coming over, i dont judge her. I love her to death im just using fat to describe her because thats all YOU need to know, right now. She always call me pretty and skinny. I hope i dont start crying. I hate this, i hate it. I just want to be pretty, maybe even beautiful if i get up off my fat ass every once and a while. I guess i want ot be skinny to take away all the years of being REALLY fat. ive never really noticed how unattractive i am. If i get rid of this ulgy useless waste consuming my body maybe i can be pretty. There, i have vented

Confusion? Ms. D? Trust? God?

Okay, so last night my church had a lock in. It got kinda deep...or tried. Ms. D wanted us to share what it felt like when Christ came into our hearts and was SO disappionted when no one did. I wanted to, I wanted to help her open up the conversation. But i couldnt, not without crying. I was so close to telling her about cutting myself. I felt the Lord tugging at my heart to open up and tel lsomeone for the Second time! but i ignored it because i am a coward. I was almost crying i just wanted to call Ms. D to the side and start crying and tell her EVERYTHING, but i knew i couldnt. But why cant I? I dont know... its an instinct to keep all things secret. I realize i can never have the relationship with the Lord that I want with this secret weighing me down down down . I wanted to tell her. I simply couldnt i was absolutely positive i would Bawl and people would ask questions and my parents would look down on me. Or my mom would blame herself and get even more depressed wghich doesnt even seem possible anymore. I just wanna tell. I feel like it will set me free. I tell myself i will tell when im ready, but ive ignored the feeling to tell TWICE. Who knows how many more times I'll feel it and say no? The Lord wants me to tell and i want to be happy... ugh it seems impossible just the act of telling someone.

I NEED HER BACK

My mom, shes been fighting depression for who knows how long? I dunno she hasnt told me. I had to find out by her having a seizure from the medication last year. Well it seems shes just given up. Said fuck it to the world. I got my parents to start going to church a couple years ago and they have become a family there. She hasnt been going for a while because shes always "tired" or "sick". she complains or works days being hard and goes to bed as soon as she gets home. HELLO!? do i not have hard school days? Is it just me, or does almost everyone we know WORK? They dont sleep 16 hours a fucking day! Its not right. Ms. D, a friend a church ( i think she sees right through me, but i love her so much) keeps calling and asking for my mom bcuz she hasnt seen her in so long and i always respond with shes in bed. Ms. D tells me i need to help my mom, it isnt okay anymore. i ask how and she doesnt know. My boyfriend tells me i should talk to her. THIS ISNT MY JOB. my MOM should take care of ME. It isnt fair! Shes given up! medication alone isnt going to help her. "YOU HAVE TO TRY!" i just want to yell at her! she cant just give up. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to finally realize whats going on with me. I need her back. I need a mom again. Now more than ever. I miss her, i miss our 'happy' little family. Shes never going to be relatively close to happy again. She wont talk to anyone. Wont DARE go out with friends... What happens when her mom dies? when i move out? Will dad be enough for her to live for? Does Ms. D blame me for my moms state? It kinda seems like it. Does she think i dont care? Well i do. whether for selfish reasons or not. I care. Am i just a horrible person? All i want is my mom back. All my friends have moms. ones that are actually THERE for them. There for theyre reheasals, games, church projects, friend stuff, trips. Why cant she just FUCKING TRY. Its killing her, its killing me.

my Dislikes...

1. my boyfriends inability to text.
2. My limited clothes
3. My weight.
4. My lack of will power.
5. Conspericies (no, i have no idea how to spell it)
6. The media's effects on soceity particulary the youth
7. Not enough time.
8. Rainy days when you just want some sun
9. Sunny days when you just want some rain
10. my inability to ever stick to a project
11. School bathrooms
12. so MANY young pregnancies (not the girls, just the mistakess they made)
13. Stepping in gum!!!
14. GUM IN MY HAIR!
15. People making fun of the fat (bcuz i know how it feels! they have to go through enough!)
16. Bullies
17. Preps! ( i kill you C.D.!!)
18.overeating
19. The inhumane treatment of animals
20. Disease
21. retirement homes
22. funerals!!
23. those who judge
24. The goverment!
25. ACNE (grrrrr)
26.spiders
27.beetles
28. Cougars... pretty but NOT face to face!
29. Running out of service
30. How Facebook ALWAYS screws things up
31. Myspace (in general)
32. how my family eats SOO much
33. How my family eats SOO unhealthily
34. Girls who wear TOO TIGHT clothing
35. Guys who 'sag'
36. Girls who wear TOO LOOSE clothing
37. when girls who are thinner call you skinny (makes me feel like CRAP!)
38. How hot topic stuff is so expensive!!
39.when the soap bar gets too small
40. Not having a car... or lisence for that matter
41. Stupid people
42. Stupid girls who think that Acting stupid is cute..
43. whores
44. Prostitution (maybe not who "supplies" it as much as who buys it.)
45. Rape!
46. The media is trying to kill us all. ( yes, i blame the media for most of my problems)
47. When the bklue people from avatar have sex... thats just freaking creepy
48. people who dont know the difference between a debate and Fighting
49. Grudges
50. Guilt.
51. Unsure Love
52. Dating your best friends first Love (just imagine one guy being you and your bff's 1st kiss, real bf, first real date, first everything.... well almost everything
53. Sales ladies
54. people who think 'cutters' are suicidal.. HUGE DIFFERENCE PEOPLE
55. tornadoes
56. Mice living in your camper:/
57. 9/11
58. War
59. Jerks
60. women who are just lokoing for compliments
61. men who are just looking for compliments
62. that peice of skin/fat in between your armpit and torso
63. Short texts
64.Dirty kitchen floors
65. trying to find tall pants
66. When people ask you if you reating REPEATEDLY
67.commercials
68. Using the word "lol" to often
69. the position (LMAO)
70. eating out of cravings/ boredom
71. having that one friend you cant stand arguing with... mad at you:(]
72. making dislike/hate lists
73. the fact that im going to give myself 1 yr to write a 1000 things i like/love list
74. gaining weight
75. when someone sill your special <3 song
76. when people dont leave notes in your yearbook
77. how ALL yearbooks pictures look horrible
78. how everyone hates snakes
79. mom
80. all temptations
81. ''playa's''
82. addiction
83. adultry
84. confusion
85. helplessness
86. people (most)
87. pointless poems
88. messy dogs
89.pushy guys
90. the self-centered
91. boring days (like so)
92. those moments when you feel as if lifes lost meaning
93. school food
94. calories
95. carbs
96. sloppy kisses
97. :*
98. making plans then last minute cancellations
99. obama
100. me

solution?

okay so im trying something new, right? im hoping it works see i used to just try to go as long as possible without giving in to food. i usually would give in to a bag of cheese crisps for lunch and quite a bit when i get home from school. Now i have a game plan though. Instead of skipping breakfast im goin to get my metabolism (which is quite low) pumped! with a 90 cal. special K bar 1 boiled egg and of course my vitamens... then at lunch i just steal bites from my friends like always... except minus my chips. Home from school... it usually just goes down hill about here but im getting better! i had breakfast 'lunch' got home had special K bar, egg, like 5 chips and a bite of that chili... oh and 2 peanut butter crackers. blech im never gonna let this work. but im back to 134 which is still ALOT but better... i guess. Ugh okay fine i KNOW its better but i hate admitting it bcuz it shows i still have since. im afraid ill feel good about myself and ive learned that is Highly dangerous, i end up eating. why cant it be easy? whatever ill make it work. So today a couple of guys on my bus saw my scars and started talking to me about 'em. It kinda scared my bcuz a little kid (like 7) that goes to my church was listenin...? Todays Status: alright

FOOD SUCKS

UGH i promised myself i wouldnt eat today. i went like 18 hrs and felt so great!! but at lunch i gave in to fucking 220 calorie cheese crisps... then i got home from school and ate TWO boiled eggs 5 tortilla chips and two BITES of chili. I SUCK not only that but i have Church tonight, which means food and lots of it. I usually eat alittle super then eat every fucking desert there! i know if i can deny the sweets today could still possibly be considered a 'good day'. i lost 2 lbs in 3 days... unfortunately the same 3 ive been gaining and losing for two weeks. I got down to 133 and now im back up to fucking ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIX POUNDS i mean im MASSIVE. i guess your wondering how tall i am... like 5' 8'' and a half of 5' 9'' not too sure. i bet i do sound like i have and ED... but not really my mind isnt TOTALLY consumed by it. i just cant tell anyone so i put it here!

Umm... time to spill

Im just starting this to umm... reflect on life? i dunno. I might as well catch you up. Im in 8th grade i LOVE band. (trumpet:D) so i guess im kinda a 'lil nerdy. I go out with the best guy ever (but of course all girls think that, right?). But he's kinda my best friend (since 1st grade)'s ex. not like just Ex but 13 month 'first love' ex. And it ended bad.. on his part. I hated him! ABSOLUTELY HATED HIM for a long time and never thought i could ever trust him after that. You see, he and my BFF's relationship built the "foundation" of most of my friendships. we had this perfect clique and we were all SO happy but he ruined it. I lost most of my friends and turned to cutting, and eventually eating disorder habits (though i dont beleive i actually HAVE one!) I stopped cutting in Feb. though a month after the 'crash'. (by the way, those friendships are being rebuilt:)) Well theres been lots of drama and junk in between then and now. So now im going out with him. Tabatha *name changed* was mad not jealous bcuz she thought i had better sense... nope. We worked it out and are working on still being the bestest of friends!:) umm my other BFF just came outta the closet... kinda cofusing but im working on accepting it.
So my BF told me he loved me, but recetly told me he hated hisself. Yeah he has issues... but i do too. and even though he knows ALL of them he still loves me (he has GREAT reason not too). i love him too. but recently i read in the bible (bible? shocker there, huh?) You can tlove anyone until you learn to love yourself. I told him about it and he said we could work on it together. I lied... i told him i would try to work on loving myself. But i know if i learned to love myself i will never lose the weight, so im trying to convice myself i hate myself. The other day i had a revelation though, i think all this food habit stuff is because So many people have called me ugly and fat in the past (ive lost 40lbs and "gotten pretty" in the last year) im afraid they wil remember me as the fat girl. So to erase those memories i want to be the SUPER thin SCARY thin one. And ill be forever remember as skinny. Problem solved, right?