Most....Excruciating....Pain

The hardest thing i EVER had to do... tell my parents about the cutting. I couldnt look at them, literally HID under a blanket. I only wish they were angry at me. I broke my moms heart.my dad is disappionted in his 'lovely little daughter'... i think. The day before, the day, and the day after i told them i stayed up ALL night crying, hyperventalating, screaming into my pillow, yearning for my razor. Its was the moost painful thing i have ever been through in my life. Living Hell. I couldnt breath. It was smolthering me, my pain. Anyways i know it sounds weird but ive put all trust in God. Feel like cutting, crying, saying Fuck the world? I read the bible prayed. everything got better at least for a while. I went to see a therapist today. I ended up telling him about my eating habits which was one of my moms concerns (huh, she really did know.) I really didnt plan on telling that. I wanted to keep it. To savor it. but if i want to be truely happy with the Lord i must let go of all 'baggage'. and start a new life with nothing. Guess what? Karen my best friend (since Savannah left) has 'anorexia with bulimic tendancies' apparently her mom called her fat one too many times. I want to help her i do. i want to show her how it CAN be overcomed. But im not completely over it myself...at all. I KNOW, however, i am in far better condition than she. I caught up with Savannah today:) My exboyfriend asked my for advice about a GIRL. GIRL. We said we were gonna be friends but we only broke up like last week HELLO...NO. i gave him the best advice i could but it didnt work out. okay, right? maybe. ut he had to go farther. He told me to ask my therapist the symptoms of bipolar disorder, i said no. that is MY time. Where i finally dont have to worry about if im being selfish or not. I can forget everyone elses problems and try to sort through my own. I called him to try to talk him out of suicidal thoughts. okay, SYMPATHY DOES NOT WORK, NEVER WILL. i told him " im going to tell you what i told myself. You wont ever amount to anything. your wasting your life get up stop being sorry for yourself. turn the depressing music off. Go get your m9nd off it, read the bible, pray? he said already tried. i was like NO YOU DIDNT. not hard enough YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT. things wont change unless you make them. thats basically what i told him He said something i think "leave me alone"? im not sure he either hung up or lost service. That hurt. I couldnt cry. Guess what i turned to, so i could feel the pain i should be feeling? I also am planning a MAJOR binge tomorrow i guess im more bulimic now...whatever. Food makes me happy... its DISGUSTING. but, hey? im disgusting. Oh yeah, my therapist said i may have inherited depression from my mom i think hes gonna get me on some meds. I hope im through with the worst.

Scrambled thoughts.

i dont know. im so sad. im so angry, at myself, my best friend, my ex(ouch!) im so miserable. im so selfish. im so confused. i want help. i need secrets. i only hurt the people that i love. I broke down today. Like REALLY. i couldnt breathe, but shaky shallow uneven breaths. I thought i was going to faint. I was dizzy. this is all i know of the last couple months. i cant make sense of any of it. its too jumbled up.

• I thought i fell in love.
• i hurt my ver best fried in the worst way.
• My bff said we were cool but we never talked i found out later she was avioding me so i could be 'happy'
• I cut myself.
• I brought my jacob down.
• Too far. He broke it off.
• Said if i get help it could still happen. i said No.
• felt God want me to tell my 'secrets'
• mom becamemore depressed
• Felt alone with no one to talk to
• Wrote a suicide note.
• realised I am the weak one.
• Found out i really DO have a problem
• Want help so bad, SO scared

IM SO SCARED. why me! No. i wont do this. Self pity gets me no where. im overreacting. But im so alone no one to talk to. I WANT THE STRENGTH to stop. to tell. to regain. to live life. I WONT loose myself i CANT oh please, i dont want that to happen. I AM the only one who can stop it. At times i think i NEED help other times i know i can do it alone. I did it alone last time, see where that got me? its not really just about cutting. i just want to be happy again. ILL DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING. to find true happiness. not false. not fake. i CAN do it. i HAVE to.

Problem? What problem?

So...umm im 'back with the blade'. i cant believe i went so long without it. But i made a mistake...i wanted to stop and (without thinking about it) told my boyfriend. He said we both are too broken to help eachother and cant love eachother if we hate ourselves... true. but we're FOURTEEN. We dont have to love eachother! WTF? i aint got nothin better goin for me right now.(whoo sorry im from the South;). and i KNOW he doesnt have anything going for him. Not that i think im great... just he is soo...idk. I guess this whole hting was just an expirement to see if two broken halves can fix eachother. FYI they can't. Most suprising thing...it didnt hurt. i didnt cry one tear. Anyway...in another spur of the moment thing i told my friend about the cuts. Together we called one of those BS hotlines. it made me seriously want to reach out and get help. I just started cutting a few day ago, i DONT have a problem. Do I? Only time can tell. If (scratch that) WHEN i tell i will confide in Ms. D. I will if i cant stop. Jacob (my boyf-.. ex) told me he didnt think i could stop. I JUST started. What the hell does he know anyway? Fuck him. i wanted to show him i could stop, so you know what i did? Picked up the blade. I think back on it. WOW. maybe i do have a 'problem'. Well until someone notices i guess its my secret. Im hurting my friends though:( i couldnt even swim with them today. Couldnt wear a bikini bcuz of the scratches. Couldnt wear shorts for a few scratches and a gash. But it hurt ALOT to wear jeans. the deepest i cut was in my thigh multiple times. My friend saw FAT carved onto me, but thankfully didnt have time to read what it said. she saw but couldnt read it. One secret is enough to spill in one day. She also asked what was carved into my arm. It used to say 'No Excuses' but now its hardly legible. I know i sound like i have a problem now... I rushed my friend to leave because i wanted to feel that blade again. See the crimson flow. Oh God, im sick. Help? NO. CAN NOT EVER tell mom. Nobody [that knows] thinks i can stop. Ill show them! By doing it? Yes.