Umm... time to spill

Im just starting this to umm... reflect on life? i dunno. I might as well catch you up. Im in 8th grade i LOVE band. (trumpet:D) so i guess im kinda a 'lil nerdy. I go out with the best guy ever (but of course all girls think that, right?). But he's kinda my best friend (since 1st grade)'s ex. not like just Ex but 13 month 'first love' ex. And it ended bad.. on his part. I hated him! ABSOLUTELY HATED HIM for a long time and never thought i could ever trust him after that. You see, he and my BFF's relationship built the "foundation" of most of my friendships. we had this perfect clique and we were all SO happy but he ruined it. I lost most of my friends and turned to cutting, and eventually eating disorder habits (though i dont beleive i actually HAVE one!) I stopped cutting in Feb. though a month after the 'crash'. (by the way, those friendships are being rebuilt:)) Well theres been lots of drama and junk in between then and now. So now im going out with him. Tabatha *name changed* was mad not jealous bcuz she thought i had better sense... nope. We worked it out and are working on still being the bestest of friends!:) umm my other BFF just came outta the closet... kinda cofusing but im working on accepting it.
So my BF told me he loved me, but recetly told me he hated hisself. Yeah he has issues... but i do too. and even though he knows ALL of them he still loves me (he has GREAT reason not too). i love him too. but recently i read in the bible (bible? shocker there, huh?) You can tlove anyone until you learn to love yourself. I told him about it and he said we could work on it together. I lied... i told him i would try to work on loving myself. But i know if i learned to love myself i will never lose the weight, so im trying to convice myself i hate myself. The other day i had a revelation though, i think all this food habit stuff is because So many people have called me ugly and fat in the past (ive lost 40lbs and "gotten pretty" in the last year) im afraid they wil remember me as the fat girl. So to erase those memories i want to be the SUPER thin SCARY thin one. And ill be forever remember as skinny. Problem solved, right?