Problem? What problem?

So...umm im 'back with the blade'. i cant believe i went so long without it. But i made a mistake...i wanted to stop and (without thinking about it) told my boyfriend. He said we both are too broken to help eachother and cant love eachother if we hate ourselves... true. but we're FOURTEEN. We dont have to love eachother! WTF? i aint got nothin better goin for me right now.(whoo sorry im from the South;). and i KNOW he doesnt have anything going for him. Not that i think im great... just he is soo...idk. I guess this whole hting was just an expirement to see if two broken halves can fix eachother. FYI they can't. Most suprising thing...it didnt hurt. i didnt cry one tear. Anyway...in another spur of the moment thing i told my friend about the cuts. Together we called one of those BS hotlines. it made me seriously want to reach out and get help. I just started cutting a few day ago, i DONT have a problem. Do I? Only time can tell. If (scratch that) WHEN i tell i will confide in Ms. D. I will if i cant stop. Jacob (my boyf-.. ex) told me he didnt think i could stop. I JUST started. What the hell does he know anyway? Fuck him. i wanted to show him i could stop, so you know what i did? Picked up the blade. I think back on it. WOW. maybe i do have a 'problem'. Well until someone notices i guess its my secret. Im hurting my friends though:( i couldnt even swim with them today. Couldnt wear a bikini bcuz of the scratches. Couldnt wear shorts for a few scratches and a gash. But it hurt ALOT to wear jeans. the deepest i cut was in my thigh multiple times. My friend saw FAT carved onto me, but thankfully didnt have time to read what it said. she saw but couldnt read it. One secret is enough to spill in one day. She also asked what was carved into my arm. It used to say 'No Excuses' but now its hardly legible. I know i sound like i have a problem now... I rushed my friend to leave because i wanted to feel that blade again. See the crimson flow. Oh God, im sick. Help? NO. CAN NOT EVER tell mom. Nobody [that knows] thinks i can stop. Ill show them! By doing it? Yes.