Most....Excruciating....Pain

The hardest thing i EVER had to do... tell my parents about the cutting. I couldnt look at them, literally HID under a blanket. I only wish they were angry at me. I broke my moms heart.my dad is disappionted in his 'lovely little daughter'... i think. The day before, the day, and the day after i told them i stayed up ALL night crying, hyperventalating, screaming into my pillow, yearning for my razor. Its was the moost painful thing i have ever been through in my life. Living Hell. I couldnt breath. It was smolthering me, my pain. Anyways i know it sounds weird but ive put all trust in God. Feel like cutting, crying, saying Fuck the world? I read the bible prayed. everything got better at least for a while. I went to see a therapist today. I ended up telling him about my eating habits which was one of my moms concerns (huh, she really did know.) I really didnt plan on telling that. I wanted to keep it. To savor it. but if i want to be truely happy with the Lord i must let go of all 'baggage'. and start a new life with nothing. Guess what? Karen my best friend (since Savannah left) has 'anorexia with bulimic tendancies' apparently her mom called her fat one too many times. I want to help her i do. i want to show her how it CAN be overcomed. But im not completely over it myself...at all. I KNOW, however, i am in far better condition than she. I caught up with Savannah today:) My exboyfriend asked my for advice about a GIRL. GIRL. We said we were gonna be friends but we only broke up like last week HELLO...NO. i gave him the best advice i could but it didnt work out. okay, right? maybe. ut he had to go farther. He told me to ask my therapist the symptoms of bipolar disorder, i said no. that is MY time. Where i finally dont have to worry about if im being selfish or not. I can forget everyone elses problems and try to sort through my own. I called him to try to talk him out of suicidal thoughts. okay, SYMPATHY DOES NOT WORK, NEVER WILL. i told him " im going to tell you what i told myself. You wont ever amount to anything. your wasting your life get up stop being sorry for yourself. turn the depressing music off. Go get your m9nd off it, read the bible, pray? he said already tried. i was like NO YOU DIDNT. not hard enough YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT. things wont change unless you make them. thats basically what i told him He said something i think "leave me alone"? im not sure he either hung up or lost service. That hurt. I couldnt cry. Guess what i turned to, so i could feel the pain i should be feeling? I also am planning a MAJOR binge tomorrow i guess im more bulimic now...whatever. Food makes me happy... its DISGUSTING. but, hey? im disgusting. Oh yeah, my therapist said i may have inherited depression from my mom i think hes gonna get me on some meds. I hope im through with the worst.