Scrambled thoughts.

i dont know. im so sad. im so angry, at myself, my best friend, my ex(ouch!) im so miserable. im so selfish. im so confused. i want help. i need secrets. i only hurt the people that i love. I broke down today. Like REALLY. i couldnt breathe, but shaky shallow uneven breaths. I thought i was going to faint. I was dizzy. this is all i know of the last couple months. i cant make sense of any of it. its too jumbled up.

• I thought i fell in love.
• i hurt my ver best fried in the worst way.
• My bff said we were cool but we never talked i found out later she was avioding me so i could be 'happy'
• I cut myself.
• I brought my jacob down.
• Too far. He broke it off.
• Said if i get help it could still happen. i said No.
• felt God want me to tell my 'secrets'
• mom becamemore depressed
• Felt alone with no one to talk to
• Wrote a suicide note.
• realised I am the weak one.
• Found out i really DO have a problem
• Want help so bad, SO scared

IM SO SCARED. why me! No. i wont do this. Self pity gets me no where. im overreacting. But im so alone no one to talk to. I WANT THE STRENGTH to stop. to tell. to regain. to live life. I WONT loose myself i CANT oh please, i dont want that to happen. I AM the only one who can stop it. At times i think i NEED help other times i know i can do it alone. I did it alone last time, see where that got me? its not really just about cutting. i just want to be happy again. ILL DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING. to find true happiness. not false. not fake. i CAN do it. i HAVE to.