I'm so scared.

As i was thinking of the title and what it should be, i started with I'm so ______ I couldnt even think of what to put there, until it hit me: scared. I am scared, terrified actually. Isn't weird how some things just hit you then you realize they're true? I feel like screaming and crying and punching at anything! I want to scream at people for them being the source of my problems. I'm sorry i havent been here in like forever, but here I am, as stupid as ever, oh and don't forget FAT. I made it down to 130. I dont even remember the last time I was that thin. BAM now im 13SEVEN. I feel like absolute crap. I eat EVERYTHING in sight! I dont skip hardly ANY meals. I throw up about twice a day but not much. Im terrified I'm not going to be able to restrict again. It's just out of school I'm bored, theres sweets everytwhere I go, and EVERYONE gains weight, not just me, right? That is NO excuse. I look in the mirror and I want to cry. I was so close, so close. Now im so far. It seems impossible. I have to. Im scared I can't. I NEED HELP. but I don't think there is anywhere else to get it. My best friend and I stopped talking for a while. So I started hanging out with someone else, someone I've known for a long time. I just realized she brings people down...with her. She used to cut (which i rarely do anymore!), and she has an eating disorder. (she thinks i think shes 'over it' but maybe not. Its kind of an unspoken thing) If i complain about something hurting or scraping me she'll make comments like 'Like you would mind.' that hurts obviously. She makes fun of her friends 'small boobs' (which are actually bigger than her own). She tells me Im lonely and need more friends and a NEED to get a boyfriend. I keep telling her i dont need a guy I dont really care, until one day I just told her to shut the hell up. Anyways, Im seeing a therepist now. It helps, some. But I'm pretty sure he isnt going to change my 'little food obsession'. Actually Im positive. I may gain and gain and gain until im an even bigger fat useless cow. But I'm still going to be aware of how much i eat, how fat I am, and how guilty I feel. I EAT EVERYTHING. UGH STUPID STUPID STUPID. IT'S CALLED SELF CONTROL. IT'S CALLED THIN.