Most....Excruciating....Pain

The hardest thing i EVER had to do... tell my parents about the cutting. I couldnt look at them, literally HID under a blanket. I only wish they were angry at me. I broke my moms heart.my dad is disappionted in his 'lovely little daughter'... i think. The day before, the day, and the day after i told them i stayed up ALL night crying, hyperventalating, screaming into my pillow, yearning for my razor. Its was the moost painful thing i have ever been through in my life. Living Hell. I couldnt breath. It was smolthering me, my pain. Anyways i know it sounds weird but ive put all trust in God. Feel like cutting, crying, saying Fuck the world? I read the bible prayed. everything got better at least for a while. I went to see a therapist today. I ended up telling him about my eating habits which was one of my moms concerns (huh, she really did know.) I really didnt plan on telling that. I wanted to keep it. To savor it. but if i want to be truely happy with the Lord i must let go of all 'baggage'. and start a new life with nothing. Guess what? Karen my best friend (since Savannah left) has 'anorexia with bulimic tendancies' apparently her mom called her fat one too many times. I want to help her i do. i want to show her how it CAN be overcomed. But im not completely over it myself...at all. I KNOW, however, i am in far better condition than she. I caught up with Savannah today:) My exboyfriend asked my for advice about a GIRL. GIRL. We said we were gonna be friends but we only broke up like last week HELLO...NO. i gave him the best advice i could but it didnt work out. okay, right? maybe. ut he had to go farther. He told me to ask my therapist the symptoms of bipolar disorder, i said no. that is MY time. Where i finally dont have to worry about if im being selfish or not. I can forget everyone elses problems and try to sort through my own. I called him to try to talk him out of suicidal thoughts. okay, SYMPATHY DOES NOT WORK, NEVER WILL. i told him " im going to tell you what i told myself. You wont ever amount to anything. your wasting your life get up stop being sorry for yourself. turn the depressing music off. Go get your m9nd off it, read the bible, pray? he said already tried. i was like NO YOU DIDNT. not hard enough YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT. things wont change unless you make them. thats basically what i told him He said something i think "leave me alone"? im not sure he either hung up or lost service. That hurt. I couldnt cry. Guess what i turned to, so i could feel the pain i should be feeling? I also am planning a MAJOR binge tomorrow i guess im more bulimic now...whatever. Food makes me happy... its DISGUSTING. but, hey? im disgusting. Oh yeah, my therapist said i may have inherited depression from my mom i think hes gonna get me on some meds. I hope im through with the worst.

Scrambled thoughts.

i dont know. im so sad. im so angry, at myself, my best friend, my ex(ouch!) im so miserable. im so selfish. im so confused. i want help. i need secrets. i only hurt the people that i love. I broke down today. Like REALLY. i couldnt breathe, but shaky shallow uneven breaths. I thought i was going to faint. I was dizzy. this is all i know of the last couple months. i cant make sense of any of it. its too jumbled up.

• I thought i fell in love.
• i hurt my ver best fried in the worst way.
• My bff said we were cool but we never talked i found out later she was avioding me so i could be 'happy'
• I cut myself.
• I brought my jacob down.
• Too far. He broke it off.
• Said if i get help it could still happen. i said No.
• felt God want me to tell my 'secrets'
• mom becamemore depressed
• Felt alone with no one to talk to
• Wrote a suicide note.
• realised I am the weak one.
• Found out i really DO have a problem
• Want help so bad, SO scared

IM SO SCARED. why me! No. i wont do this. Self pity gets me no where. im overreacting. But im so alone no one to talk to. I WANT THE STRENGTH to stop. to tell. to regain. to live life. I WONT loose myself i CANT oh please, i dont want that to happen. I AM the only one who can stop it. At times i think i NEED help other times i know i can do it alone. I did it alone last time, see where that got me? its not really just about cutting. i just want to be happy again. ILL DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING. to find true happiness. not false. not fake. i CAN do it. i HAVE to.

Problem? What problem?

So...umm im 'back with the blade'. i cant believe i went so long without it. But i made a mistake...i wanted to stop and (without thinking about it) told my boyfriend. He said we both are too broken to help eachother and cant love eachother if we hate ourselves... true. but we're FOURTEEN. We dont have to love eachother! WTF? i aint got nothin better goin for me right now.(whoo sorry im from the South;). and i KNOW he doesnt have anything going for him. Not that i think im great... just he is soo...idk. I guess this whole hting was just an expirement to see if two broken halves can fix eachother. FYI they can't. Most suprising thing...it didnt hurt. i didnt cry one tear. Anyway...in another spur of the moment thing i told my friend about the cuts. Together we called one of those BS hotlines. it made me seriously want to reach out and get help. I just started cutting a few day ago, i DONT have a problem. Do I? Only time can tell. If (scratch that) WHEN i tell i will confide in Ms. D. I will if i cant stop. Jacob (my boyf-.. ex) told me he didnt think i could stop. I JUST started. What the hell does he know anyway? Fuck him. i wanted to show him i could stop, so you know what i did? Picked up the blade. I think back on it. WOW. maybe i do have a 'problem'. Well until someone notices i guess its my secret. Im hurting my friends though:( i couldnt even swim with them today. Couldnt wear a bikini bcuz of the scratches. Couldnt wear shorts for a few scratches and a gash. But it hurt ALOT to wear jeans. the deepest i cut was in my thigh multiple times. My friend saw FAT carved onto me, but thankfully didnt have time to read what it said. she saw but couldnt read it. One secret is enough to spill in one day. She also asked what was carved into my arm. It used to say 'No Excuses' but now its hardly legible. I know i sound like i have a problem now... I rushed my friend to leave because i wanted to feel that blade again. See the crimson flow. Oh God, im sick. Help? NO. CAN NOT EVER tell mom. Nobody [that knows] thinks i can stop. Ill show them! By doing it? Yes.

FAT FUCKING COW

Okay, i have got to stop. Im mother fucking huge. All this fat is just sitting here on my body. Doing nothing but adding to my fat ugly self. I know how to fix it but i simply refuse to do the work. Im fat, lazy, good for nothing, and undeserving. Im fucking huge. What happened? Why cant i just say no? Its going to change NOW. I ate some sweets today. Threw it up. If im going to have to start doing that again i will. No matter what i promised my boyfriend. He doesnt understand. I look in the mirror and i want to cry. I want to just cut all the fat clinging to my body. My fat friend is coming over, i dont judge her. I love her to death im just using fat to describe her because thats all YOU need to know, right now. She always call me pretty and skinny. I hope i dont start crying. I hate this, i hate it. I just want to be pretty, maybe even beautiful if i get up off my fat ass every once and a while. I guess i want ot be skinny to take away all the years of being REALLY fat. ive never really noticed how unattractive i am. If i get rid of this ulgy useless waste consuming my body maybe i can be pretty. There, i have vented

Confusion? Ms. D? Trust? God?

Okay, so last night my church had a lock in. It got kinda deep...or tried. Ms. D wanted us to share what it felt like when Christ came into our hearts and was SO disappionted when no one did. I wanted to, I wanted to help her open up the conversation. But i couldnt, not without crying. I was so close to telling her about cutting myself. I felt the Lord tugging at my heart to open up and tel lsomeone for the Second time! but i ignored it because i am a coward. I was almost crying i just wanted to call Ms. D to the side and start crying and tell her EVERYTHING, but i knew i couldnt. But why cant I? I dont know... its an instinct to keep all things secret. I realize i can never have the relationship with the Lord that I want with this secret weighing me down down down . I wanted to tell her. I simply couldnt i was absolutely positive i would Bawl and people would ask questions and my parents would look down on me. Or my mom would blame herself and get even more depressed wghich doesnt even seem possible anymore. I just wanna tell. I feel like it will set me free. I tell myself i will tell when im ready, but ive ignored the feeling to tell TWICE. Who knows how many more times I'll feel it and say no? The Lord wants me to tell and i want to be happy... ugh it seems impossible just the act of telling someone.

I NEED HER BACK

My mom, shes been fighting depression for who knows how long? I dunno she hasnt told me. I had to find out by her having a seizure from the medication last year. Well it seems shes just given up. Said fuck it to the world. I got my parents to start going to church a couple years ago and they have become a family there. She hasnt been going for a while because shes always "tired" or "sick". she complains or works days being hard and goes to bed as soon as she gets home. HELLO!? do i not have hard school days? Is it just me, or does almost everyone we know WORK? They dont sleep 16 hours a fucking day! Its not right. Ms. D, a friend a church ( i think she sees right through me, but i love her so much) keeps calling and asking for my mom bcuz she hasnt seen her in so long and i always respond with shes in bed. Ms. D tells me i need to help my mom, it isnt okay anymore. i ask how and she doesnt know. My boyfriend tells me i should talk to her. THIS ISNT MY JOB. my MOM should take care of ME. It isnt fair! Shes given up! medication alone isnt going to help her. "YOU HAVE TO TRY!" i just want to yell at her! she cant just give up. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to finally realize whats going on with me. I need her back. I need a mom again. Now more than ever. I miss her, i miss our 'happy' little family. Shes never going to be relatively close to happy again. She wont talk to anyone. Wont DARE go out with friends... What happens when her mom dies? when i move out? Will dad be enough for her to live for? Does Ms. D blame me for my moms state? It kinda seems like it. Does she think i dont care? Well i do. whether for selfish reasons or not. I care. Am i just a horrible person? All i want is my mom back. All my friends have moms. ones that are actually THERE for them. There for theyre reheasals, games, church projects, friend stuff, trips. Why cant she just FUCKING TRY. Its killing her, its killing me.

my Dislikes...

1. my boyfriends inability to text.
2. My limited clothes
3. My weight.
4. My lack of will power.
5. Conspericies (no, i have no idea how to spell it)
6. The media's effects on soceity particulary the youth
7. Not enough time.
8. Rainy days when you just want some sun
9. Sunny days when you just want some rain
10. my inability to ever stick to a project
11. School bathrooms
12. so MANY young pregnancies (not the girls, just the mistakess they made)
13. Stepping in gum!!!
14. GUM IN MY HAIR!
15. People making fun of the fat (bcuz i know how it feels! they have to go through enough!)
16. Bullies
17. Preps! ( i kill you C.D.!!)
18.overeating
19. The inhumane treatment of animals
20. Disease
21. retirement homes
22. funerals!!
23. those who judge
24. The goverment!
25. ACNE (grrrrr)
26.spiders
27.beetles
28. Cougars... pretty but NOT face to face!
29. Running out of service
30. How Facebook ALWAYS screws things up
31. Myspace (in general)
32. how my family eats SOO much
33. How my family eats SOO unhealthily
34. Girls who wear TOO TIGHT clothing
35. Guys who 'sag'
36. Girls who wear TOO LOOSE clothing
37. when girls who are thinner call you skinny (makes me feel like CRAP!)
38. How hot topic stuff is so expensive!!
39.when the soap bar gets too small
40. Not having a car... or lisence for that matter
41. Stupid people
42. Stupid girls who think that Acting stupid is cute..
43. whores
44. Prostitution (maybe not who "supplies" it as much as who buys it.)
45. Rape!
46. The media is trying to kill us all. ( yes, i blame the media for most of my problems)
47. When the bklue people from avatar have sex... thats just freaking creepy
48. people who dont know the difference between a debate and Fighting
49. Grudges
50. Guilt.
51. Unsure Love
52. Dating your best friends first Love (just imagine one guy being you and your bff's 1st kiss, real bf, first real date, first everything.... well almost everything
53. Sales ladies
54. people who think 'cutters' are suicidal.. HUGE DIFFERENCE PEOPLE
55. tornadoes
56. Mice living in your camper:/
57. 9/11
58. War
59. Jerks
60. women who are just lokoing for compliments
61. men who are just looking for compliments
62. that peice of skin/fat in between your armpit and torso
63. Short texts
64.Dirty kitchen floors
65. trying to find tall pants
66. When people ask you if you reating REPEATEDLY
67.commercials
68. Using the word "lol" to often
69. the position (LMAO)
70. eating out of cravings/ boredom
71. having that one friend you cant stand arguing with... mad at you:(]
72. making dislike/hate lists
73. the fact that im going to give myself 1 yr to write a 1000 things i like/love list
74. gaining weight
75. when someone sill your special <3 song
76. when people dont leave notes in your yearbook
77. how ALL yearbooks pictures look horrible
78. how everyone hates snakes
79. mom
80. all temptations
81. ''playa's''
82. addiction
83. adultry
84. confusion
85. helplessness
86. people (most)
87. pointless poems
88. messy dogs
89.pushy guys
90. the self-centered
91. boring days (like so)
92. those moments when you feel as if lifes lost meaning
93. school food
94. calories
95. carbs
96. sloppy kisses
97. :*
98. making plans then last minute cancellations
99. obama
100. me