Here I am

I haven't been on in a while, I know. I just don't have the time. I don't really know what I want to talk about so I'll just start.

I'm losing my very best friend that I've had since 7th grade. Friend since kindergarten. I feel as if I am going to die. I hate it. I feel like I have absolutely no one and I am all alone. It's so ...lonely. I don't like partying, dancing, peppy people, and faking. Which is what I have to do when I'm around her, because I can't just hang out with her anymore. I have to hang out with her friends at a club or the movies or something. Her friends are okay, but they aren't mine and she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand not everybody likes doing those things and that I'd much rather watch a free movie at home curled up under a nice blanket with buttery popcorn than go to an expensive theater.
I am so alone. Maybe not, I have my dear boyfriend, but that just makes it worse. I can't depend on him all the time! He goes off to college next year and I have two years of me and..who? I'm beginning to get closer to this one girl. She's on drugs, yeah. So are alot of my boyfriend's friends( not him!). And well I'm jealous. I'll do anything for just a little numbness to make it through school. It's fucking torture. I used to have tons of friends and now it seems nobody likes me. And I'm so.

My depression has gotten so bad I can't stand it. All I want to do is mope all day. I don't get the point of anything anymore. I know it'll only get worse if I don't do anything about it, but I don't have the strength to do anything. But I don't want to be so very alone. It's kind of hard to go "shopping" for friends when you can't smile. It's hard to smile when you are constantly fighting. I'm fighting against that self hate. I don't want to go that low again. i can be as sad as ever, I just don't want to hate myself.
Thanks to those who actually read this stuff. It means a lot.

there's something in my eye. that's it.

So this week is the dreaded revival at church. I do not like it. It gets way too emotional. This is what I get for belonging to a southern baptist church in the bible belt. Ehh, I don't know what I am but it is NOT southern baptist. A preacher does not have to yell. Gays (I believe) do not burn in hell. And there is something between worshiping the devil and doing jumping jacks for God. I mean come on. I guess not all of it angered me. Some of the stuff that was said was okay. But what really got me was the music. That and the look of all the people being "touched by God". I believe he's there in some form so I suppose it's true I felt Him tonight. But as I have been doing for so long now, I ignored it. Because if I take anything religious seriously I start to cry. I don't know; it's an in the moment thing. Every time something that applies to me is said I feel like it was said for me and so I simply MUST cry. So I don't listen. I pick at my nails, make my meal plans for the week, and just zone in and out. But I don't touch anywhere around my eyes, that might hint at me crying. At the end everyone went to the alter to pray. I went to so I wouldn't feel weird standing alone. But when I got there I knelt beside the weeping guest preacher and my step grandfather (affectionately called Grandaddy). He put his arm around me while everyone was praying. I lost it. I cried. I felt stupid and ashamed. I didn't want anyone to see me. He never shows emotion. He loves his grandchildren, I know. But I'm the only step grandchild so I do get treated a little differently. This gesture really surprised me. I left as soon as we were dismissed I drove off in a hurry to my "secret place". Just a dead end cemetery on a dirt road. I don't know why I went. I think I wanted to let out a scream. Well, I felt silly there. So I wept (just a little) and went home. Ohh, then I binged and uhh, purged. Now I'm just kind of waiting for a mental breakdown of some sort. Whatever, I get to do it all again tomorrow! (whew that sarcasm was harsh. I guess it isn't actually that bad.)

music is my life, no seriously.

Well today was ehh. Any chance I could I listened to my extensive eating disorder playlist. Therefore I had a terrible ED day. I also had a Spanish and Adv. Geometry test. I feel good about the Spanish (I studied..alot!) as for the geo? I don't think I care. Band cheered me up, but of course it exhausted me. Then I went to tutor a couple of kids. I don't think I'll ever get one of them to pass. It's so stressful!!! I feel like it's my fault if she makes horrible grades. UGHH. So as soon as I got home I made a tuna and avocado sandwich. YUM!:D Then discovered some new music. Lucas Carpenter, The Acadamy is...,Letters and Lights, and I got a Dubstep album. $9.99 for 99 songs! Whew! All the funny remixes and upbeat rhythms have shot my mood up A LOT. I get to hang out with Alex all day tomorrow. My parents will be home...but we can be sneaky! Tomorrow night my little itty bitty community (it's not big enough to be called a town) is having a tractor pull. I go every year and he's never been so we're going, but we'll probably just make fun of all the really country hicks most of the time.:D (I don't know why the text is different:/ I couldn't fix it.)

The (REAL) best feeling(s)

That last post was insanely negative and hopeless. I'm sorry. I won't delete it....but I'll try to make up for it. I was going to wait until I was relatively happy to write this but it appears I'm in a slump. So I'm thinking this will end by making me happy or just being a sucky post.

The best feeling my in fact be:

• settling into a perfectly made bed
• laughing until it hurts with someone you love
• watching your favorite movie (even though you've seen it countless times)
• competing perfectly at a competition. (or game, whatever you do.)
• that first not so guilty bite of a Reese's cup
• completing that perfect piece of art, music, poem, story (again, whatever you do)
• realizing you have the Perfect outfit on
• perfect hair days
• seeing your family...and realizing you're actually glad
• that feeling after a hard workout
• anticipation for...well anything exciting
• completing a long good book
• knowing you have "people"
• singing at the top of your lungs
• holding a baby, lol
• smiling for no reason
• answering an unexpected phone call
  
  I could go on. That was fun. I should definitely do it more often. :) Goodbye. I was just called ;D

The best feeling...

is that of a blade sliding down your thigh. Or perhaps it is when you watch the white sliver fill with blood. Whatever.

me gusta

Hello again. I haven't posted in a while because well, I guess I'm lazy. :P I can not say nothing has been going on. It has. I started school Monday, 10th grade. Just as exciting as it sounds. Nahh, I like it. I love my teachers and I think this semester will be a good one. On the other hand it's way too hot to have band practice and we are falling behind! Our first game is in ten days! Whoo! :DD Then band season has finally begun. No one will ever understand how happy that makes me. I love those people and all the experiences that go with them. Oh, and I guess trumpet is cool, too. OOH! Something awkward thing happened today.
My boyfriend tells me EVERYTHING whether I really need/want to know or not. Well he confessed to (in the past) looking up porn (alot). Which whatever, he's 17. Why wouldn't he? But he did it in such a way I thought he meant he looked at Gay porn. Uhh, there is a HUGE undeniable difference between the two. I spent 10 minutes speechless and doubting his sexuality.
Don't get me wrong straight guys can look at gay porn. I won't judge, but it IS weird hearing it from your boyfriend.

Oops, I feel down again.

So Alex went on a church trip for about a week. And that was the week I was really sick. So basically I was completely alone for nine days. I guess it kind of wreaked havoc on my mental state. At first I was okay. Feeling sorry for myself of course, but whatever. Nothing new. But by the end of the week all those eating disorder thoughts came up. Now I'm obviously used to that, but they were stronger. I guess I didn't have any reason to ignore them. So they grew. Now I'm undeniably in a rut. Which is what I've secretly been yearning for. This time though I don't think it'll just go away on it's own (like it magically did last time).
Ohh, and when Alex came back he gave me this speech on how he loves Christ more than me and how he really wants me to have a stronger relationship with Him because He loves me unconditionally and blah... I just don't know about all that. I've been thinking and trying to decide what I believe in. I finally ditched what I was raised to believe. I'm thinking on my own. Anyways, alot of people act like this after church trips. It only lasts awhile. I've seen it before. Heck, I've done it before. I hope it wears off soon though. Before it puts a strain on our relationship. Because I realized when he was gone that I NEED him. Which is terrifying and makes me feel oh so vulnerable. But I don't know what I can do about that one. Well, I've got to get some sleep. Stay beautiful and goodnight.

Bad Night

I feel fat. No cutting allowed. Too sick to binge and purge. So I color. Whoo! Ugh! I'm so fucking beyond pissed. But I know you don't want a rant. So ill go. But know that I am very unhappy. Very alone. And very fat. Coincidence? I think not.

I am diseased.

So I went to the doctor today for sore throat. I have mono. FML. Seriously, I'm pissed. I don't know whom at really. The world? By the time I'm over it ill be in school. UGH. What about current river? What about band camp? My friends!?!?! My boyfriend!?!? Well I figure if he doesn't already have it he won't get it so....I'm so selfish. Also, my moms in the hospital again so I'm sick and lonely. It's whatever. Though my throat KILLS. I thought at first it was because I scratched my throat puking, but no. Life can't be that good. I can't throw up, obviously. But one of the symptoms is loss of appetite so I'm hoping not eating will suffice from the occasional binge.
I don't really like putting pictures of me on here but who really reads this, right? This is my wonderful guy and lucky me over to the left.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

So I am just awful. I suck, it is official. I'm fairly sure I'm around 149 now. UGH! I haven't thrown up in a while though. For three days and nights this week I will be gone to Project Acts. It's a Christian community helping thing. I know I won't be able to overeat there and maybe if I am still strong enough I can under eat:D Then with the work I'll be doing: Lose weight! I sure hope so. I really am getting disgusting. I loathe looking in the mirror at my stomach. I HATE tight clothes. Grr. I really don't want people to notice I'm getting lazy.:/ I can't stand when people look at me. I even feel uncomfortable when I'm with my boyfriend and my shirt is off. I used to be fine with it. Blech. I'm nasty.
I really need to be in control again. I've got to stop lying to myself. It really is ridiculous. Self loathing is at an all time high because of my inability to shut my mouth. It's all so frustrating.

I did it, because I wanna be like her.

Guess where I just was?! I'll give you a hint! I can taste vomit. My bathroom smells and I can't stop shaking. Yeah, so much for stopping. I can't help it! Well, maybe I could. I just want to be thin. I want to sit up and not see those disgusting jelly rolls. I want to not worry about muffin tops for once. Once I'm 120, I won't have to worry about these things. I won't have to worry about anything! Except maybe annoying people telling me I'm too thin. I just want to restrict. That's all I've EVER wanted. But then this whole "you can eat alot AND be thin if you throw up" lie came into the picture and has distracted me for an entire year. I'm sick of it. I just want to have a perfect body. More than that really. More of a perfect mind set. I yearn for that empty feeling. (Different from that empty acidic feeling.) That feeling that anything is possible. UGH. My parents, my boyfriend and I are going on a trip to the river. Which means bikini for four days straight AND sitting in a tube. Me in a bikini? Okay. Me sitting? Okay. Put them together and I'm a fat train wreck. I have 'bout a month to get my act together. But who says I can? I've been saying this for far too long. Well I'm getting way too shaky to type. Correcting errors is annoying, but the only thing that is making this legible. Byyyyee!

It's been a year now.

Well, my five whole followers. Did you miss me? Did you notice I was gone? I didn't. But well, let's play catch up. In this past year. I have found happiness. Love. I have found the need to stop bulimia, but not the will power. Yes, I did end up losing the power to restrict. My bulimia got bad. I got scared. Blah blah, teenage ramblings. I love my therapist, he's inspired my to become a phsycologist. I have an amazing boyfriend. He's everything to me. Whoa. I sound icky and teenage and love struck. I dont like it. But I feel it. So i guess it's worth mentioning. He knows of course. Everything. It hurts him, I know it does.
So sounds like everything is dandy. It's not. Don't ask why. I don't know. I guess I'll never really know how fortunate I am.
I think I have matured alot sonce I've posted here. I gained a new outlook on life, I guess. Though I don't know how to express it. So I plan on starting to blog again. Maybe you'll get me. Most likely, you won't.
I wonder how long I can go without binging and purging this time?

Just thought I'd drop by

Just some AWESOME songs that im addicted to. Oh the picture made me cry.

• Bulimia -One-Eyed Doll


• Cars and Calories - Saves the Day


• Lucy at the Gym -Jill Sobule


• Anorexic Girls -Doctor Destructo


• Breathe Me -Mia


• Anorexic Beauty -Pulp


• Anorexic Robot - Fat Truckers


• Anie's Anorexic -Huntingtons


• Sophie -Eleanor McEvoy


• Courage -Super Chick


• Beauty from Pain -Super Chick


• Perfect - Flyleaf


• Katie -Missy Higgins


• Frost -Racheal Sage


• Skin -Beth Hart


• Beautiful -Bethany Dillion

and of course the known Ana's song, Paper Bag, Bleed Like Me, Creep and such.

Also a few good ones (not really about "beauty")

• A Few Small Bruises - Maria Mena


• Gone -Jessica Riddle


• Silence -Selena Cross


• Black Rose -Trapt

**MY ALL TIME FAVORITE**

Skin and Bones -Marinas Trench

This is tricky...

There are many things I want to bring up today. I've been meaning to write this for a while but when I get the oppotunity to use the computer privately, I'm never in a 'creative mood' so I try and it turns out suckish. Ahh well I'll try again. So I guess I'll ust sit here listening to thought provoking music until something 'pops up' in my crazy crazy head.
Oh heres something, my youth leaders at church have really been bugging me to start praying again. They say it brings so much peace to them. Sometimes I want to. But heres what happens:
I start, unsure of what to do or say.
As usual all I can think about is food, my weight, and calories. So automatically I pray to lose weight. But as soon as it crosses my mind it seems evil and I take it back. I try to hide it from God. Then I try to say sorry. But I know you can't ask to be forgiven unil you promise not to do it again. Or at least forgive yourself. I'll never forgive myself. I WANTED this. Oh my God, I didnt know ANYTHING. I thought I could control it...but no, of course you can't. I'm afraid to make promises, to anyone really. I know I'll just end up breaking them. So here arises a question: whats worse? Making a promise, only to break it. Or to fear making promises? It bothers me.


Anyway back to the hiding it part. Its MY burden, I'll carry it until....until when? Will this craziness ever stop? Surely it cant go on, can it? Will I be one of those mothers secretly weighing their children. Binging in the middle of the night. Not ever eating in front of people. Surely not... I cant stop. Not now anyway. I like to tell myself that I could. But why lie? I've lied to myself for far too long. That's how I got here in the first place.

BAM another topic (sorry I'm on a roll.) Here ya go my biggest fears. In no particular order.
-Not having control (It horrifies me EVERYDAY.)
-Making promises. I aviod them.
- My favorite person in the entire world, my cousin, friend, everything to me, to develope an eating disorder. I worry, constantly. She's so young.

BOOM. Death. I was in the car with my dad (he speeds alot) and I was kinda scared. (I was in a car wreck a few years ago, kind of tramatic.) Then I had an epiphany moment. Why was I scared? Of death? No, I couldn't really care less. That thought in itself scared me. Was I afraid of pain? I've already felt the worse pain. Why did I not care if I died? I sort of wanted to crash, just to see what would happen. Would I die? Would people worry? Would I refuse to eat hospital food for long a period of time? It gave me a kind of high. Knowing I was above those people that cared about living. That I could do anything I wanted and not fear one of the "worst things that could happen" to me. I liked it.

BADA-BING. Have you ever just been overwhemled by beauty? I was riding in the back of a truck just watching the trees go by. All the sudden I could see all the hundreds of shades of green whirl past me. The sky seemed full of life. A pond seemes as vast a an ocean. (I'm dilusional, right?) It all seemed so.... pretty, for lack of a better word. I just waned to melt into the scenary. To become one of the most beautiful things in the world. Just to dissolve into this beautiful world, filled with lovely things. I want to be lovely too. Why must I be left here with this uglyness? I want to fly! I want to be free! I want to be beautiful.

Well those few (VERY FEW) people who do follow me. Thanks for puttin up with all this craziness.

Hey?

I feel like anything is possible. I look in the mirror and poke and prod and wonder why im STILL not THA thin, but then i think "Wow I AM getting there." I can almost taste it....or is that the taste of vomit? Gross, I cant even tell the difference anymore? Whats the piont. Im getting there. Im going to be thin I swear I am. NOTHING can get in my way! Going running later with a friend:D Lost only 2 lbs at band camp but i gained ALOT of muscle so I think it evened out...? ....In other news my hair is thinning. UGH

I'm so scared.

As i was thinking of the title and what it should be, i started with I'm so ______ I couldnt even think of what to put there, until it hit me: scared. I am scared, terrified actually. Isn't weird how some things just hit you then you realize they're true? I feel like screaming and crying and punching at anything! I want to scream at people for them being the source of my problems. I'm sorry i havent been here in like forever, but here I am, as stupid as ever, oh and don't forget FAT. I made it down to 130. I dont even remember the last time I was that thin. BAM now im 13SEVEN. I feel like absolute crap. I eat EVERYTHING in sight! I dont skip hardly ANY meals. I throw up about twice a day but not much. Im terrified I'm not going to be able to restrict again. It's just out of school I'm bored, theres sweets everytwhere I go, and EVERYONE gains weight, not just me, right? That is NO excuse. I look in the mirror and I want to cry. I was so close, so close. Now im so far. It seems impossible. I have to. Im scared I can't. I NEED HELP. but I don't think there is anywhere else to get it. My best friend and I stopped talking for a while. So I started hanging out with someone else, someone I've known for a long time. I just realized she brings people down...with her. She used to cut (which i rarely do anymore!), and she has an eating disorder. (she thinks i think shes 'over it' but maybe not. Its kind of an unspoken thing) If i complain about something hurting or scraping me she'll make comments like 'Like you would mind.' that hurts obviously. She makes fun of her friends 'small boobs' (which are actually bigger than her own). She tells me Im lonely and need more friends and a NEED to get a boyfriend. I keep telling her i dont need a guy I dont really care, until one day I just told her to shut the hell up. Anyways, Im seeing a therepist now. It helps, some. But I'm pretty sure he isnt going to change my 'little food obsession'. Actually Im positive. I may gain and gain and gain until im an even bigger fat useless cow. But I'm still going to be aware of how much i eat, how fat I am, and how guilty I feel. I EAT EVERYTHING. UGH STUPID STUPID STUPID. IT'S CALLED SELF CONTROL. IT'S CALLED THIN.

Most....Excruciating....Pain

The hardest thing i EVER had to do... tell my parents about the cutting. I couldnt look at them, literally HID under a blanket. I only wish they were angry at me. I broke my moms heart.my dad is disappionted in his 'lovely little daughter'... i think. The day before, the day, and the day after i told them i stayed up ALL night crying, hyperventalating, screaming into my pillow, yearning for my razor. Its was the moost painful thing i have ever been through in my life. Living Hell. I couldnt breath. It was smolthering me, my pain. Anyways i know it sounds weird but ive put all trust in God. Feel like cutting, crying, saying Fuck the world? I read the bible prayed. everything got better at least for a while. I went to see a therapist today. I ended up telling him about my eating habits which was one of my moms concerns (huh, she really did know.) I really didnt plan on telling that. I wanted to keep it. To savor it. but if i want to be truely happy with the Lord i must let go of all 'baggage'. and start a new life with nothing. Guess what? Karen my best friend (since Savannah left) has 'anorexia with bulimic tendancies' apparently her mom called her fat one too many times. I want to help her i do. i want to show her how it CAN be overcomed. But im not completely over it myself...at all. I KNOW, however, i am in far better condition than she. I caught up with Savannah today:) My exboyfriend asked my for advice about a GIRL. GIRL. We said we were gonna be friends but we only broke up like last week HELLO...NO. i gave him the best advice i could but it didnt work out. okay, right? maybe. ut he had to go farther. He told me to ask my therapist the symptoms of bipolar disorder, i said no. that is MY time. Where i finally dont have to worry about if im being selfish or not. I can forget everyone elses problems and try to sort through my own. I called him to try to talk him out of suicidal thoughts. okay, SYMPATHY DOES NOT WORK, NEVER WILL. i told him " im going to tell you what i told myself. You wont ever amount to anything. your wasting your life get up stop being sorry for yourself. turn the depressing music off. Go get your m9nd off it, read the bible, pray? he said already tried. i was like NO YOU DIDNT. not hard enough YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT. things wont change unless you make them. thats basically what i told him He said something i think "leave me alone"? im not sure he either hung up or lost service. That hurt. I couldnt cry. Guess what i turned to, so i could feel the pain i should be feeling? I also am planning a MAJOR binge tomorrow i guess im more bulimic now...whatever. Food makes me happy... its DISGUSTING. but, hey? im disgusting. Oh yeah, my therapist said i may have inherited depression from my mom i think hes gonna get me on some meds. I hope im through with the worst.

Scrambled thoughts.

i dont know. im so sad. im so angry, at myself, my best friend, my ex(ouch!) im so miserable. im so selfish. im so confused. i want help. i need secrets. i only hurt the people that i love. I broke down today. Like REALLY. i couldnt breathe, but shaky shallow uneven breaths. I thought i was going to faint. I was dizzy. this is all i know of the last couple months. i cant make sense of any of it. its too jumbled up.

• I thought i fell in love.
• i hurt my ver best fried in the worst way.
• My bff said we were cool but we never talked i found out later she was avioding me so i could be 'happy'
• I cut myself.
• I brought my jacob down.
• Too far. He broke it off.
• Said if i get help it could still happen. i said No.
• felt God want me to tell my 'secrets'
• mom becamemore depressed
• Felt alone with no one to talk to
• Wrote a suicide note.
• realised I am the weak one.
• Found out i really DO have a problem
• Want help so bad, SO scared

IM SO SCARED. why me! No. i wont do this. Self pity gets me no where. im overreacting. But im so alone no one to talk to. I WANT THE STRENGTH to stop. to tell. to regain. to live life. I WONT loose myself i CANT oh please, i dont want that to happen. I AM the only one who can stop it. At times i think i NEED help other times i know i can do it alone. I did it alone last time, see where that got me? its not really just about cutting. i just want to be happy again. ILL DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING. to find true happiness. not false. not fake. i CAN do it. i HAVE to.

Problem? What problem?

So...umm im 'back with the blade'. i cant believe i went so long without it. But i made a mistake...i wanted to stop and (without thinking about it) told my boyfriend. He said we both are too broken to help eachother and cant love eachother if we hate ourselves... true. but we're FOURTEEN. We dont have to love eachother! WTF? i aint got nothin better goin for me right now.(whoo sorry im from the South;). and i KNOW he doesnt have anything going for him. Not that i think im great... just he is soo...idk. I guess this whole hting was just an expirement to see if two broken halves can fix eachother. FYI they can't. Most suprising thing...it didnt hurt. i didnt cry one tear. Anyway...in another spur of the moment thing i told my friend about the cuts. Together we called one of those BS hotlines. it made me seriously want to reach out and get help. I just started cutting a few day ago, i DONT have a problem. Do I? Only time can tell. If (scratch that) WHEN i tell i will confide in Ms. D. I will if i cant stop. Jacob (my boyf-.. ex) told me he didnt think i could stop. I JUST started. What the hell does he know anyway? Fuck him. i wanted to show him i could stop, so you know what i did? Picked up the blade. I think back on it. WOW. maybe i do have a 'problem'. Well until someone notices i guess its my secret. Im hurting my friends though:( i couldnt even swim with them today. Couldnt wear a bikini bcuz of the scratches. Couldnt wear shorts for a few scratches and a gash. But it hurt ALOT to wear jeans. the deepest i cut was in my thigh multiple times. My friend saw FAT carved onto me, but thankfully didnt have time to read what it said. she saw but couldnt read it. One secret is enough to spill in one day. She also asked what was carved into my arm. It used to say 'No Excuses' but now its hardly legible. I know i sound like i have a problem now... I rushed my friend to leave because i wanted to feel that blade again. See the crimson flow. Oh God, im sick. Help? NO. CAN NOT EVER tell mom. Nobody [that knows] thinks i can stop. Ill show them! By doing it? Yes.